Dealing With Negative Attitude In Teens.

Practical solutions for teen issues.

Hi. And thanks for tuning into the Parenting Your Teens podcast. Like we do every episode, we take a question submitted from a viewer, we answer it, so that you at home have practical solutions to an issue that you're facing with your teen. 

Now I'm super excited because it seems like our reach is really growing. This comes from John in San Diego. Thanks, John. I really appreciate this question. So let's just go ahead and jump into what this question is about. 

How to handle teen disrespect and defiance.

So John asked, first of all he says, "I have a 14-year-old daughter," okay, so you got your hands full right there. And he says, "I'm struggling, because it seems like no matter what I ask her I'm getting behaviors and defiance, and she's like rude and disrespectful." Okay, I don't need to go through it, there's a whole paragraph on this. I don't need to go through the whole thing. I think most parents understand why is it when you ask your teen just a very, very, very basic requests that sometimes they just flash on you? And the rudeness and the disrespect and the anger that comes back at you is like, "I literally just asked you to do the dishes," and now you're telling, "You don't ever understand me. And F you, and this is bullshit," and all that kind of stuff, right? 

Okay, we've seen it, we've experienced it - what do you do about it? 

So this is another one of those not the what, but the why. The what is the behavior, you see it, you know what it is, you don't need me to tell you that your kid's freaking out for really no good reason, at least on the surface, but it's disproportionate, the response at least, to what you're requesting of them, okay? What's underlying that is a bigger piece, right? 

Teens need independence and control.

Now kids are growing and developing, and they want more independence, and really what they want with that independence is more control.

Now when you have somebody that comes in and levels a requests on you, it automatically takes away any element of control that that kid may have thought they had, okay? Now this doesn't mean that you just let the kid do whatever they want, because things absolutely need to get done. It means this - you have to create the conditions so that that kid perceives that they're in control.

Now along with that is need fulfillment, right? So you've got kind of two separate things going on. Now we're going to do probably a whole another thing on need fulfillment at some other time, right now I just want to focus on creating the conditions so that the kid can have some element of control. 

Now a very basic way of doing this is a structure, right? Now the more structure you have, generally the more kids feel that they're not in control. So the fact that I'm telling you to put a structure in is going to seem completely counterintuitive. 

What structure works for teens.

But here's the thing - you want to create a structure where they know what to do so it's predictable and consistent. And then what you also want to do is create deadlines, right? So creating deadlines means you're not going to come in and just say, "I need you to do this right now." You're going to say, "Hey, this has already been established, you have to do this by 5:00," and they already know, so between 3:00 and 5:00 they have a ton of choice and flexibility and when to do what and when to accomplish it - that's just a really basic tool that you can use. You can also give some negotiation opportunity there. 

Now that doesn't sort of talk about what to do if it doesn't get done, because we're just not going to have enough time today to talk about consequences and structures and incentives and all that. But this will give you sort of the groundwork to set up like, "How am I really structuring my approach with my teen? Am I just coming in and demanding that this thing gets done right now," and really kind of almost in my experience though, if you're informed on what you're doing - you're almost intentionally setting it off. That doesn't give your kid permission to be disrespectful, but you got to know how you're contributing to that. So just be aware of that, and like I said - build in that space for things to get done, and I think you're going to start shifting the conversation and getting your kid to start seeing that you're a little more flexible and friendly to work with them that way. 

And when you continue to watch this podcast and you hear of other things like incentives and you'll hear things like need fulfillment and how that all gets woven in - you're going to get more of the complete picture, like I said, in a short five-minute podcast we're just not going to have enough time to cover each one of those tips, so there's going to be future ones that come out. If you can kind of look ahead and see which ones are already released, then that will probably be one of them I imagine, so go ahead and kind of like look for that or keep your eyes open for that. 

Again, thanks for tuning in. John, thanks for your email about your daughter. I really appreciate that. And like always, if you're trying to end defiance and disrespect in your teen - visit parentingyourteens.com where you can get free training on how to do that very thing in really the shortest amount of time possible, okay? So thanks, again, for tuning in, and we'll catch you next time on the podcast. All right, thanks.

About Christopher Taylor, MFT

Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.