Parenting Your Teens Podcast: Episode 5
How To Motivate Your Teen.
Get tools to help parent your teen.
Hi. And thanks for tuning into the Parenting Your Teens podcast, where each week we select a question from a viewer and we answer it, so that you at home have practical solutions to an issue you're facing with your teen. Now today's question comes from my practice, and this is one that I get from time to time, and is really frustrating for parents. I mean, honestly every issue you're facing with your teen is frustrating for parents, but this one for some reason just really, really frustrates them. I think because it speaks to how little we have as far as the ability to control what our kid does.
So this is all about motivation. So I got asked this week, "How do I motivate my kid to complete dot, dot, dot?"
Now usually that completion has to do with one of two things, it's either homework or chores, right? Some sort of task completion.
Now what I tell parents is this - motivation is really tricky, because motivation is not external, it's not based on, hey, I've got the best consequences or I'm going to take all your stuff away, right? What that generally does is creates more conflict, the kid shuts down, pretends he doesn't care, and then whatever that thing that you took which usually is the phone, video games or keys, it doesn't work anymore because that's the only leverage you have. So it's like law of diminishing returns and you sort of exhaust the kid on that particular consequence.
What actually motivates teens?
So what really motivates people and what motivates you and I is what we attach value to. So what we attach value to is going to encourage us to do that thing, right? If I like making a podcast, then I'm going to come to my office, I'm going to set up the lights, I'm going to devote all this time, I'm going to go through all the hassle and ins and outs, right? Because I value that.
If you value your relationship, your spousal or significant other relationship, then you're going invest time into that, you're going to do the things necessary to develop and grow that, right? Now if you don't value it, you're just not going to do anything, because quite frankly you don't care.
So sitting there and talking to a kid about why don't you care, you need to care about this, you need to do this, you're going to lose everything. They don't, because they don't see value in it, okay?
Improve teen school performance.
Now let's take an example of school, right? Because that's like the job for teens, that's what parents say, "Go into school, it's your job." And teens say, "Well, I don't get paid for it," right? And you're like, "Well, you're right, but you still need to get ahead in life and make success out of yourself, so let's do that at least initially through the path of doing well in high school."
And so they will not be doing their homework or they'll be getting low test scores, and parents will just say, "Don't you understand, you're going to be a loser, you're going to work in McDonald's, right?" Now the McDonald's actually doesn't pay that bad, but kids are like, "No, I'm not. Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, they dropped out of high school," right? Everybody has this rationale for why they should be able to continue the behavior that is pretty ridiculous to begin with, with their teens.
So as I described it, they use sort of teen logic which is logic-ish, which gives parents pause momentarily like, "Well, I don't know, maybe that kind of does make sense." But we then we're like, "No, no, that doesn't make any sense at all. That's ridiculous."
So anyways, back to motivation. We have to find a way to attach value to the thing we want the kid to do, right? And generally that comes through some form of incentive. And I'm not talking about like a gold star chart that like, "Oh, you tied your shoes, now we're going to go get a new video game." No, it's just using things that they already have access to or maybe something that they want to do that doesn't have any costs associated with it, just so that they see that you're a partner and there's flexibility in your approach.
What does your teen actually value?
And here's another thing - explore with them like what future value could be, right? Not you have to do this because if not you're going to fail. But, "Hey, like what do you want your life to look like? Have you thought about what the future is going to be?" An earlier podcast I talked about remaining curious, right? Drawing kids in by trying to understand what they're really thinking and feeling about. This is a great opportunity to kind of layer in that technique on that as well.
So the more you can find where their value system is and what maybe future value they have or levels of success that they want to achieve, you can start building in that approach now and helping them to develop that plan, right? So it's like, "Well, my value system isn't around doing well in high school." "Okay, well, what do you want to do after high school," right? And they say, "Well, I want to be able to buy a house and I want to make a good living." "Okay, that sounds awesome. Like, what would you need to do to be able to accomplish that?" "Well, I don't know," right?
It's like, "Okay, well, then let's spend some time just talking about that." Or maybe they're like, "Well, I need to get a good job." "Okay, well, how are you going to go about getting a good job," not, "Well, how are you going to get a job if your grades are so low and nothing's ever going to work out and you're going to work at McDonald's." No. Just, "Well, how would you do that," right? Exploring their rationale, seeing what they attach value to.
Now over time they'll probably tell you, right? Now we got to worry about that logic-ish stuff that doesn't really make sense, but just kind of ignore that and just roll with it. Because, again, the more they feel validated, the more they feel encouraged to share the more they're going to receive your feedback.
Teen incentives and rewards used the right way.
So anyways, motivation is really tricky, it's what we attach value to so you have to try to find what that kid attaches value to, build some bridges if you need to through incentives and rewards system, never going over the top and never spending money on that. Just using things they already have or activities that they want to participate in. A lot of times you'd be surprised, it's actually spending time with family, as long as they get to pick what they're doing and sort of how they do that. So be aware of that, and it's easy to just shut that down, "Oh, my kid doesn't want to spend time with me." I would say like 90% of kids that I worked in my practice over the last 15 years loved spending time with their families, as long as, like I said, they get to pick what they're doing, when they do it, sort of how they do it. So you got to give up a little bit of control in that, and I think you're going to have some fun with that.
So anyways, I know this is a tricky topic, but I hope that gives you a little bit of insight and things to think about and some techniques to use as you move forward in attempting to motivate your kid to do the things that they might not otherwise want to do.
Again, like always, appreciate all of those messages coming in, keep sending them, the email address is chris@parentingyourteens.com. And if you want to get more information on how to end defiance and disrespect in your teen, check out the website parentingyourteens.com. There's free trainings and you'll learn a ton of valuable information on how to reach your goals with your teen. Again, thanks a lot for tuning in, and we'll see you next time.
About Christopher Taylor, MFT
Christopher Taylor, MFT is a teen expert, therapist, author, and speaker with 16 years of experience working with teens and families. He provides teen and family therapy services in Folsom, Granite Bay, El Dorado Hills and surrounding areas. Chris is the author and creator of the Back to Basics: Tayloring Your Teen For Success Program, consisting of the book, workbook and online course.